Singles Mindedness

     How many of you out there are primarily singles players? You know who you are. You practice singles, make regular challenges on the club singles ladder, and play in singles tournaments within a 100 mile radius. You people are typically used car salespersons.

     Yes, singles players play singles because they are egotists. They want to show the world that they can beat you. To that end, they want to compete head to head and mano a mano. Normal people would rather go lip to lip with a significant other.

     Yes, singles players play for glory because glory means more sex partners. I don't know this as a matter of personal experience, mind you. Just observation. (If it were otherwise, you would have heard of me before now. Plus, I'd be paying multiple paternity payments.)

     Therefore, if guy singles players want a liberal sex life, they must work hard to develop their tennis skills. Not only do they have to work on their serves, backhands, volleys, etc. But they have to have a supply of gamesmanship techniques at the ready. And excuses. Every singles player needs to be able to spin their losing results. And, you need to keep spinning until your game evolves to the point where your match results match your blather. (Never mind that your talk keeps running ahead of your skill.)

     Lady singles players merely need to say “yes.”

     Increased skill levels are largely dependent on copious amounts of practice. For practice, many players keep a basket of balls stashed at home that they can take to some second tier courts. Second tier courts are courts that real tennis players avoid. These courts are at high schools and  middle schools or condominiums or even courts that some doofus politicians placed in under-privileged neighborhoods where the inhabitants bounce rocks on them.

     Real players haul these baskets of balls to the these obscure courts where they can practice serving like Andy Roddick in anonymity. Of course, since only Andy Roddick can serve like he does, meaning in, real players must get used to faulting. Typically, these players practice serving by launching balls with all the accuracy of a blindfolded dart thrower...into the back fence. But, since practice makes better, they find they serve that way in tournaments, too.

     To practice the other shots, such as backhands, players need someone to feed them balls. So players get together to “help” each other. That's all well and good. It's even encouraged. But then again, some people go to the extreme of developing “relationships” or actually, gad, getting married to someone who will hit balls to them. Tennis practice is not a good reason to get married:

     “I, Bea Enabler, take Moe Practus, to love, honor, and feed tennis balls to until death do us in or until he quits and takes up Texas Hold 'Em.”

Killer Instinct

     Singles players strive to be the best and look for any advantage. A competitive tool used by many singles players is, what tennisologists call, the “killer instinct.” Killer instinct (KI) is a term that was first used by loser athletes to describe that elusive characteristic that they imagined winners possess, and which enables winners to beat them. The term routinely describes those rare players who have the ability to disregard all forms of gamesmanship that cannot be prosecuted by the authorities, while busting their butts to beat you.

     If a singles player does not have this handy instinct, that player needs a Plan B Instinct (PBI). Most of us have Plan Bs. It usually involves a complicated excuse, like, “I couldn't serve today because I stubbed my cerebellum on a door jamb.”

     Sometimes, players with only a mild killer instinct try to nurture a stronger one. They know their own killer instinct is pathetic and couldn't whip cream. These same players know their KIs need to be able to compete with those players possessing a strong, thrusting killer instinct. So, they go out and do something rash like apply for “Apprentice Hitman” positions at the local crime syndicate. Under “Previous Hitman/Hitman-like experience,” their hastily composed resumes read something like:

-         Elementary school:

Stepped on anthills. Stole Halloween candy from younger kids. Called liners out.

-         Middle school:
Teased fat kids. Shoplifted Rap CDs from Wal-Mart. Called liners out.

-         High school:

Keyed teachers' cars. Smoked steroids. Poured Syrup of Ipecac in opponents' sports drinks. Called liners out.

     Ultimately, the vast majority of these players quit tennis and become telemarketers or political dirty tricksters. A few get to play tennis for money and are regulated by its governing bodies. They also play matches governed by linespersons. Linespersons typically call liners “in.” Imagine that! It's a whole new ballgame at the top. And only the strong KIs survive.